What’s the Best Restaurant to Cry In?

We are currently, I dunno, thirteen months into a pandemic that is slowly killing my vibe (as it, profoundly more importantly, slowly kills hundreds of thousands of people). And if you don’t know me, you don’t know that my vibe was already mostly bouts of depression mixed with the occasional movie night with my girls.

It’s… a pretty sick vibe.

But one of my great joys in life was always visiting restaurants. Eating new food, eating my old favorites, eating food that sucks but at least I don’t have to do dishes. It’s all a god damn miracle and we should be tipping 60% on every bill.

When you visit as many restaurants as I do, and if your brain chemistry is broken due to childhood trauma and a predisposition to mental illness as mine is, you tend to cry in those restaurants sometimes. From what I can remember, I’ve cried in an TGI Friday’s, I’ve cried in a Dunkin’ Donuts, I’ve cried in a Rock Bottom, and I’ve definitely cried in an Olive Garden.

All of which leads me to something I recently sat on the couch and mused about during the first quarter of a Lakers game… what is the best restaurant to cry in?

Now, for the purposes of this exercise, it’s not actually necessary that I’ve cried in these eateries. I’ve got a great imagination, and just as importantly, I know the perfect little touches that make crying at a dinner table in front of strangers such a special experience. Also, to keep things inclusive, I’m going to use national, or at the very least, larger regional restaurants.

Would I cry in an Alamo Roast Beef? Sure! But you might not know about the small Medford restaurant that has like four booths and makes the best chicken salad sandwich in the world.

So let’s get to what I’ll be considering while I break this thing down. I decided I will score each of these places from 1-10, in three different categories, as follows.

1. Ability of the Food to Eat While Crying (or AFEWC) – Trust me, you do not want to try to eat corn on the cob while sobbing. Eating chicken lo mein while sobbing? There’s almost something cinematic to it. Something romantic, in the literary sense. Something else that makes me feel better about the fact that I’ve done it multiple times?
2. Amount of Privacy Per Booth (or APPB) – You would think this one is pretty self-explanatory, but here’s where it gets interesting. Booth privacy is actually going to work against these restaurants. Why, Matt? Wouldn’t it be much better for your self-esteem if a group of strangers don’t notice that you’re crying to Jar of Hearts in the middle of a Bubba Gump Shrimp? Obviously, in the moment, you are correct. However, the only thing that makes crying in all of these restaurants palatable is how funny it is after it happens. “Crying in a restaurant” stories are great to have in your repertoire. If I’m left entirely alone to blot my tears with the paper napkins from under my water glass, that’s just sad. That’s not something I’ll joke about, that’s something I’ll talk about in therapy right before I start making her concerned.
3. Irony of the Sadness (or IOTS) – This one is pretty self-explanatory. It is undeniably funnier to cry in a Red Robin than it is to cry in a Ruth’s Chris Steak House. That is a fact.

Without any further ado, here are my top eight restaurants in the Matt Cry Rankings (or MCR):

 

#8 ~ Red Lobster [total score: 17/30]

• AFEWC – 01/10
• APPB –     07/10
• IOTS –      09/10

– Red Lobster is probably your grandmother’s favorite restaurant, and don’t you think for a second that I’m here to hate. I’ve had myself some damn fine meals at the crimson crustacean, and due to international law, I am required to mention how good the cheddar bay biscuits are. But seriously, get off your high horse and try to explain to me what is wrong with this place? You can get like a hundred shrimp for twelve bucks!

AFEWC – 01/10

• I’m not gonna lie, Red Lobster is not off to a great start. I can’t think of any food in the world that I would rather avoid while crying than affordable seafood. Even typing that sentence made me gag. What do you wipe your face with, a lobster bib? You’ll get butter and salt in your eyes. This is a fucking mess, and I refuse to even imagine it anymore.

APPB – 8/10

• OKAY, RED LOBSTER, YOU’RE BACK IN THE GAME. In my experience, you are not very closed off while sucking down all-you-can-eat seafood. Not only are you pretty visible no matter where you sit, but you’re also visibly in a Red Lobster. If you don’t get a chuckle out of that after the required 2-3 weeks of distance, you’re made of stone.

IOTS – 09/10

• Is it ironic to cry in a Red Lobster? I don’t know, is it ironic to cry in front of a bunch of weird, mixed-media wall-hangings of grizzled fishermen holding neon lobster traps? Yes, it is. Between that and the cheap pastiches of New England lighthouse artwork, you have found yourself a place that is not going to make you feel as cool as Cary Grant while tearing up into your clam chowder. (side note: did Cary Grant cry in any of his movies? I just know they’re old and respected, so in my head there are some powerful scenes. Who knows. Moving on.)

 

#7 ~ P.F. Chang’s [total score: 18/30]

• AFEWC – 09/10
• APPB –     02/10
• IOTS –      07/10

– You might immediately notice something in these scores. P.F. Chang’s would have had a much better showing if not for the overall ambience. It is dark as hell in those restaurants, almost to the point of intended secrecy. What are you hiding, PF? You could probably break down into an emotional fit, slide to the floor in agony, stay there for an hour, and no one would even see you. Even describing that sounds SAD. Sad is what we are, not what we’re about.

AFEWC – 09/10

• I mean, I legit used chicken lo mein in my original description of a romantic food to eat while bawling your eyes out. I can’t possibly slap my beloved readers in the face by not showing up and showing out for this beautiful depressed food. The only reason it isn’t a perfect ten is due to what you’ll see in the number one spot.

APPB – 02/10

• Honestly, P.F. Chang’s almost worked its way straight off the list with their private-ass booths and their subtle-ass lighting choices. It is dark in a Chang’s. It is give your Dad his reading glasses and turn the flashlight on your phone dark in a Chang’s. It is easily do foot stuff if you have an adventurous partner dark in a Chang’s. That is the perfect setting for debilitating sadness, not a good-natured cry over your crab rangoon.

IOTS – 07/10

• In making this category, I realized that it’s pretty ironic to cry in any of these restaurants. I probably should go back and change my scoring metric but I’m already 1,600 words in and at this point my science is my science AND I STAND BY IT. Is it as ironic as some of the others on this list? Not a chance. But it’s not like people head to this reasonably priced taste of Asia because it’s a good place to get emotional

 

#6 ~ Outback Steakhouse [total score: 19/30]

• AFEWC – 05/10
• APPB –     07/10
• IOTS –      07/10

– As perhaps the biggest fan that Outback Steakhouse has ever had, I think it’s important to know that I can’t even imagine crying in this little slice of heaven. My dad and I have been splitting bloomin’ onions and other aussie-tizers (awesome name) since before I could read. And spare your jokes, because I WAS AN EARLY READER. But in the abstract, as a place to cry? It checks off quite a few boxes.

AFEWC – 05/10

• This one is just down the middle; not really good or bad in terms of food you want to cry into. Steak, in general, doesn’t work at all, and that is what they are best known for. But the Outback has some great other entrees and sides, and a larger menu than you might expect. For those reasons, they end up with an average score. Worst case scenario, you can always cry into the french onion soup, which has as much melted cheese as an order of mozzarella sticks..

APPB – 07/10

• Slightly above average, but nothing to write home about. Outback has a pretty classic medium-low light situation, with some tables in the middle but a lot of booths around the outside. The overhead light on each table does really make you shine, though, and who doesn’t want to find their spotlight while weeping into an Alice Springs chicken?

IOTS – 07/10

• Another eatery that is above average but nothing special. If you cry in an Outback Steakhouse it is undeniably funny, but is it a story you tell for years to come? I’m not so sure. Let’s just leave it at 7 out of 10 and remember that I used to ask to take home 2-3 loaves of their brown bread every time I ate a meal there.

 

#5 ~ Buca di Beppo [total score: 20/30]

• AFEWC – 04/10
• APPB –     06/10
• IOTS –      10/10

– Do they have a Buca di Beppo near you? I’ll be honest, I hadn’t heard of it until I moved to Los Angeles. Essentially, imagine an Olive Garden that takes itself way too seriously and somehow charges like forty dollars for a plate of eggplant parm. The first time I went we ordered one drink, looked at the menu, asked for the bill, and walked out. That was also the last time I went. So as the expert, let me break it down!

AFEWC – 04/10

• Who the hell wants to choke down heavy pasta dishes and piping hot tomato sauces while crying? And if you want to make the argument that lo mein is a pasta dish, you can honestly get bent. I’m talking heavy, creamy pastas and scratchy, salty garlic breads. Are there other items on their gaudy monstrosity of a menu? Sure. You’ll be able to find something. But it’s far from ideal.

APPB – 06/10

• Similar to most of these casual Italian eateries, you get a decent amount of privacy in a Bucca di Beppo. It’s nothing compared to the coffin-like darkness of P.F. Chang’s, but it’s also nothing to write home about. I will say, they have decent lighting and a “fun” bar, which means you’ll have some opportunity to break down in front of strangers. Overall, it’s just slightly above average.

IOTS – 10/10

• Here’s where my beloved Buca really shines. Imagine having to explain to someone that you broke down in a Buca di Beppo. A Buca di Beppo. Buca. di. Beppo. I honestly might go back the next time I have a tough day and hope that the bartender asks me about my mom. I would love to be able to say I wept openly in a Buca di Beppo. Moving on!

 

#4 ~ Friendly’s [total score: 20/30]

• AFEWC – 05/10
• APPB –     05/10
• IOTS –      10/10

Friendly’s tied with BdB, but gets a slightly higher ranking for one reason and one reason only: ice cream sundaes that are shaped like clowns and worms and a bunch of other shit. They might have gone bankrupt like eleven times in the last couple of years, but if you can find one, it’s a pretty darn good place to have a cry.

AFEWC – 05/10

• As for the food, it’s a Friendly’s. If you’ve never been, imagine diner food that sort of sucks but that’s also the point so it’s actually awesome. Chicken tenders as crispy as a deep fried rice cake, mozzarella sticks as crispy as a deep fried rice cake, and salads topped with red onions that are as crispy as a deep fried rice cake. It’s trash food done absolutely right. Can you pop out a few tears while eating junk food? Of course! But that’s more of its own genre, and I personally don’t think it’s in the spirit of this exercise. FIVE OUT OF TEN.

APPB – 05/10

• I will say this, it is well lit in Friendly’s. Harsh neon lights cascading down on you like rainbows over the northern coast of Oahu. But, at least in my fairly vast experience, there is always some weird L shape to the dining rooms. Some little hidden space or enclave that allows you to hide the fact that you hate your job, but you’ve also hated every job, so maybe you’re just broken? It’s not perfect, it’s Friendly’s.

IOTS – 10/10

• But you know what is perfect? The irony. Do I need to keep mentioning they have ice cream sundaes shaped like clowns and monsters? Also they have fribbles. They have a thing called a fribble. It’s just a milkshake but it’s called a fribble. A fribble. I rest my case.

 

#3 ~ Buffalo Wild Wings [total score: 21/30]

• AFEWC – 01/10
• APPB –     10/10
• IOTS –      10/10

– You might notice that Buffalo Wild Wings has a few absolute haymakers and one huge red flag. What you might not notice is that they’ve been trying to make “B-Dubs” happen for a few years now, but my friends have always, and will always, call it “BuWiWi” (pronounced Buh-why-why). Is it easier? Nope. But does it make more sense? Nope.

AFEWC – 01/10

• It is unfortunate just how bad this first score is, because otherwise we’d be dealing with a savant. Hot chicken wings might be the absolute worst food in the entire world to eat while hunched over your plate, thinking about the infinite smallness of your worth in this universe. And there are a few other things on the menu just because it would be a fire code if there weren’t, but it’s wings or bust at BuWiWi. And for crying? It’s just BUST.

APPB – 10/10

• The good news for the hot wing connoisseur, it is obscenely bright in every Buffalo Wild Wings on earth. Not only is it so bright you can get a tan, it’s also got tables piled up in the middle of the bar. And because there is a TV on every square inch of wall, you will certainly be in someone’s direct view the entire time you’re patronizing the establishment. That makes for such an unbearably public showing of your tear ducts, it’s almost too good to be true.

IOTS – 10/10

• Because of this lack of privacy, set amidst the absolutely Kevin Sorbo-like takes on manhood and man culture, it is very fucking funny to cry at a BuWiWi. You will be embarrassed, every person in there will look down on you, and it’s one of the few places on earth where someone might actually fist fight you because you showed emotion. It is like any Boston bar that has ever existed, only well-lit. Overall, it makes for a story you could tell again and again and again, and that’s why it sits in the top three despite its ugly first ranking.

 

#2 ~ Fuddruckers [total score: 24/30]

• AFEWC – 06/10
• APPB –     09/10
• IOTS –      09/10

– Fuddruckers is 100% the restaurant I would have created as a 12-year-old child, if you could ever pull me away from my Jenny McCarthy poster (Fun fact: Jenny McCarthy is largely responsible for the anti-vaxxer movement which endangers tons of children!). It has ice cream, massive cheeseburgers, and most importantly, a literal nonstop fountain of melted nacho cheese that you can put on every single item you order. It’s a gross fucking palace and I would die happily inside the doors of one.

AFEWC – 06/10

• Nothing too exciting yet. Crying over a burger is neither a triumph, nor a debacle. It is better than some foods and worse than a good many as well. We’re not here to talk about this, it’s FUDDRUCKERS.

APPB – 8/10

• Like a few other restaurants on this list, Fuddruckers is as bright as an apple store. It has stations of toppings and cheese, meaning people are constantly milling about to add calories of heaven to whatever they ordered from the counter. The chances of you getting a private little cry in after your girlfriend dumps you is absolutely zero. Vegas wouldn’t even let you bet on it. You would not only be surrounded by onlookers, but those onlookers would also have a tray filled with hot, melting nacho cheese. This is your chance to be great. Cry in a Fuddruckers.

IOTS – 10/10

• We’ve had a few tens on the board when it comes to irony, and a lot of it boils down to the name itself. Well folks, let me introduce you to FUDDRUCKERS. There isn’t even an apostrophe, so it is plural. One is not a Fuddrucker, we are Fuddruckers. If I cried in a Fuddruckers I would legit expect it to become a story in our local paper, or at least get onto the pages of patch.com. Fuddruckers: the place known for having melted cheese cauldrons, and is also called Fuddruckers.

A little aside here, if you will. When they came up with the name Fuddruckers, was it immediately supposed to make people think of Fuckers? Is it tongue-in-cheek? Or um… is it RuddFuckers like those college shirts where the first letters of your rival’s team name are switched? Is RuddFuckers even a thing? Is that what you would call Paul Rudd’s more overtly sexual fanbase? Or would it have to be only people that have actually had sex with him? Did Arthur Fuddrucker start this business? And if so, is that name German?

 

#1 (!!!) ~  Sizzler [total score: 28/30]

• AFEWC – 10/10
• APPB –      8/10
• IOTS –      10/10

– Before you even ask, YES, Sizzler is still alive and well. If you’re like me and you grew up on the east coast, you might think it has long since gone to the big mall parking lot in the sky. But I can tell you for a fact that not only are they serving up obscene amounts of buffet food at prices that should shake you to your core, but also I had been to one pretty recently before this whole armageddon that we’re about a year into. There is physical photo evidence just above these words! Do not question me on this.

What makes Sizzler the number one restaurant to cry in? Well, let’s break it down.

AFEWC – 10/10

• The AFEWC of Sizzler is off the charts. It’s a buffet! Of course you can find the perfect food to eat while at the bottom of a depression that is swallowing you whole. Soup, salad, appetizers, entrees, and a god damn dessert bar?

APPB – 8/10

• Have you ever been to a Sizzler? There are some booths around the outside, per usual. But my guess would be that half of the tables are in the middle of the dining room. In fact, when not crying there, it always made me self-conscious that every person in this restaurant could watch me get a third and fourth helping of chicken(?) and tacos and a salad that is essentially a bowl of those little salty croutons. The host might as well place you on a stage. It’s open hunting season, baby, and we’re hunting for the glorious sight of a 35-year-old man crying into his fourth very small piece of cake.

IOTS – 10/10

• If I have to explain this to you, you should not have read this entire piece. Crying at a buffet is infinitely funnier than crying at any other type of restaurant. There aren’t even any other places in the conversation, simply because we’re talking about a dining room filled with stations of food and sneeze guards. You could conceivably cry in front of a family of eight, an octogenarian couple, and four teenagers just passing time until they can clumsily try to finger each other in the slightly darker part of their basement. There is no other atmosphere so welcoming to so many different walks of life. And every single one of those monsters can watch you tear up because you realize, in between bites of a pasta dish that has become mostly bread crumbs, that even when you’re happy there is always a lingering feeling that something is missing. It is perfection. It is… Sizzler.

so there you have it

What a joy it was to create this incredibly scientific and 100% indisputable list of restaurants to cry in. If you have any thoughts, notes, or additions of your own, please write them down, place it in an envelope, and throw it off a bridge. I don’t want to hear about any of them!

xoxo

Gossip Guder

 

ps: since you read all 3,000 words you get a little treat. here is a picture of Bon Jovi and his son looking very natural and having wine at Umami Burger.